"A friend is, as it were, a second self." -Marcus Cicero [5]
Research shows that even as children, we tend to form friendships with people who demonstrate certain traits that affect how we connect with them. These traits include high levels of prosocial behavior, which is behavior intended to benefit others like volunteering or sharing, intimacy, and other positive traits like loyalty or supporting each other’s successes [1]. These people also tend to show low levels of behaviors that induce conflict, start rivalry, or show negative traits like attempting to assert dominance over you [1]. The truth is, we prefer to be friends with people who help build us up, not tear us down.
Maintaining friendships in adulthood can be a challenge though. There can seem to not be enough hours in the day and work, being a caretaker, or other stressors may take priority over making new or keeping old friends [4]. The good news is that quality matters more than quantity and by developing a few close, meaningful relationships, you can still create a solid support system [4]. Okinawans, a group of people who live on the Japanese island of Okinawa, are among some of the longest living and healthiest people in the world [2]. Part of the lifestyle in Okinawa is to establish a moai- a lifelong group of five committed friends who meet consistently, participate in activities together, and support each other through the best and worst times of their lives [2]. It is proven that having good friends can improve coping skills, increase your sense of belonging and self-confidence, reduce stress, and encourage you to avoid unhealthy lifestyle choices [4]. Strong social connections also reduce the risk of health problems, like depression, high blood pressure, or obesity [4].
Health behaviors are extremely contagious among friends. Once married, if one spouse becomes obese, it is 37% more likely the other spouse will follow the same path [3]. The same trend shows for adult siblings, except the risk rises to 40% [3]. Shockingly, the highest risk proves to be when you have a friend who is obese- increasing your risk by 57%, which is higher than all the other relationships in your life [3]. It is important to point out that this trend is not because obesity is contagious, but because behaviors are. The human brain is like a sponge, and it will soak up the information in its environment in order to blend in, meaning that if a majority of your friends are participating in a behavior, you are more likely to mimic them [2]. If your friends don’t value their health, or worse- actively discourage you from valuing your own health- then it might be time to take a step back and revaluate different aspects of that relationship.
If you feel like your social network might be lacking, either in quality or quantity, there are plenty of things you can do to change that! Here is a list of tips and recommendations to enhance your social life [2,4]:
1. Upgrade your current social network
Make a list of the ten people you are closest to right now. Rate them all on different qualities they have: loneliness, depression, trustworthiness, humor, loyalty, intimacy, and so on. Then, rate them as most positive to most negative overall. Focus on strengthening your relationship with the people who are towards the top of the list. While you don’t have to completely drop the friends towards the end of your list, reflect on how you feel when you spend time with them and what qualities they have. Statistics show that for each happy friends in your life, your happiness can boost by 9%, but for every negative friend, it can decrease by up to 7%. Remember that the quality of the people you surround yourself with is important!
2. Create your own moai
Making your small group of five friends can be based on any interest. One community in Minnesota formed moais based on interests ranging from being new parents to liking certain sports. These moais would meet several times a week to walk together and eventually their bonds reached beyond to other aspects of their lives. Join clubs, connect with past classmates or coworkers, introduce yourself to your neighbors, attend community events, volunteer consistently with an organization, or try to reconnect with old friends. There are many ways to create connections around you! Focus on being persistent, extending as many invitations as you can, and don’t be afraid to use mutual friends you are close with to make new relationships. You never know what interest could spark a conversation with someone and lead to a friendship.
3. Reconnect/connect with a faith community
Religious communities are hubs for volunteer work and community events. There are usually numerous groups for different reasons, including meet and greets for new members. Individuals who attend a religious service at least four times a month live four to fourteen years longer than those who don’t. This proves that while simply showing up has benefits, taking advantage of the various networks within a faith-based community can offer you so many more benefits. If you previously were a churchgoer, don’t feel pressured to go back to the same community you fell away from. Research shows it doesn’t matter what denomination you practice in, as long as you participate you should see benefits. Find a faith community that reflects your current values and beliefs and give their service a try. This could also be an opportunity to ask entrusted friends for their recommendations and ask to attend a service with them or try different communities.
4. Make sure to marry the right partner
People who are married tend to be happier than those who are divorced or never marry. However, bad marriages tend to increase stress levels and lower happiness levels, which results in negative impacts on health. The most important thing you can do is make sure you marry or have a relationship with the right partner for you. Some tips for finding your perfect match include:
Date a wide variety of people! Look for people who share your beliefs or hobbies- find a common ground.
Look more than skin deep. Remember the characteristics that are going to forever shape your marriage are the person’s loyalty, sense of humor, trustworthiness, and so on. Good looks may fade at the end of the day.
Don’t look for your polar opposite. Having similar interests, whether it is an activity like travel, general interests, or a skill set, marrying someone kind of like you has more benefits than someone you have nothing in common with. Additionally, choosing a partner who shares your faith values proves to strengthen marriages and couples that pray together tend to stay together.
Avoid cohabitation. Marriages tend to last longer and be higher quality when the couple waits to cohabitate. While it may seem convenient to move in together quickly, consider the relational benefits of waiting.
Try marriage training. Marital training teaches a wide range of skills, like conflict resolution and listening skills, that can help strengthen a couple’s relationship. Only 4% of partners who participated in a marriage program split up after five years, but 25% of partners who did not do training split up.
The reality is that there is almost always room for improvement in our social circles. We often don’t think of them as having a large impact on our quality of life, but they prove to be crucial to living healthier and longer [2,4]. Many programs that promote weight loss or ceasing substance use involve building a social support system because health improvement is contagious [3]. This proves that who we place around us influence the choices we make and the person we become. One of the best things you can do for your brain is to spend time with your best friends, go for a walk, and have a really good laugh [2].
Sources
[1]. Berndt, T. Friendship quality and social development. Association for Psychological Science. Feburary 2002; 11(1): 7-10. Accessed May 17, 2022. https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/20182753.pdf?casa_token=WWPJnBVUj_sAAAAA:uCYrcPnERL2ITqDHqIsPkaxRHgEkkj2FmEiyEe49OslakWBhxOysDUwXTXz7AgojnQ4XPT6nzT95__LxJa-kwsoI4PZQaeuvKOninsnznqG9bZLCcekY
[2]. Buettner, D. Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way. National Geographic Society; 2010.
[3]. Christakis N, Fowler J. The spread of obesity in a large social network over 32 years. New England J Med. 2007;357(4):370-9. Accessed May 13, 2022. https://www.nejm.org/doi/pdf/10.1056/NEJMsa066082?articleTools=true
[4]. Mayo Clinic. Friendships enrich your life and improve your health. January 12, 2022. Accessed May 17, 2022. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860
[5]. Ferguson, J. Cicero: Roman statesman, scholar, and writer. Britannica. February 14, 2021. Accessed May 17, 2022. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Cicero